Fake It

I feel my worst habits taking hold. It’s no longer a passing phase. I’ll do better someday. This isn’t really who I am. I am loving. I am caring. I am empathetic and kind. My apathy and indifference, my short temper and general disgust at humanity - my cruel streak - are just because I am tired. That’s just how I am acting today. I’m in a bad mood. Like I was yesterday. And the day before. And last week. And this whole month. And… how long have we known each other again?

You didn’t know me when I was little. I was a ray of sunshine. I don’t know what happened to me. I know I got mean in middle school. I know I thought I was the shit. I know it blew up in my face. But we aren’t going down memory lane. This isn’t a therapy session.

I wake up angry and fear, if I stopped, I wouldn’t be exhausted enough by the end of the day to fall asleep. But the sleepless nights still come so I’m not sure what I’m so scared of losing. Maybe it’s time to grit my teeth and hide the scowl. It goes against the very blood flowing through my veins, but maybe it’s time to take Nikki Giovanni’s advice to James Baldwin to heart. Authenticity and sincerity, like everything else, can be twisted and manipulated consciously or unconsciously. Sticking to your convictions to avoid self-improvement, accountability.

The value of human life in America is somewhere below the minimum bail can be set and the value of animal life is in the ballpark of the price of a hot dog. These are facts you cannot unlearn. The idea that any person I pass by in a day isn’t preoccupied by the state of humanity and its many failings is unfathomable. But what does one do with this befuddling scenario? The world wasn’t meant for us. That much is obvious. But after one accepts that reality, what’s left to be done? Suicide? Let greed and paranoia consume you? Those are my inclinations, but obviously not the answer.

My thought is to take a hard left and be more generous, more helpful than I want to be, am uncomfortable being. It’s all well and good in my mind until the concern arises that, outside of my head, things may not be taken the way they were intended. People don’t really want money thrown at them when they have a problem. People don’t want an acquaintance suddenly taking an extreme interest in them. People, if they are anything like me, want to be left alone.