having a website

I thought having a website would motivate me to write more. I have this website that I am paying a little money for and I should use it. And it sort of does. I think, at times, about how I need to put something new on here. But mostly I think I need to put something new on here to push down the other stuff on here that I am not entirely proud of. Because my compulsion to put things on this website results in me writing something relatively quickly and posting it. Its always an unedited first draft. It’s not much different, but somehow writing for this website doesn’t feel quite the same as writing into a word document. So I’ve been writing (a little) into a word document and putting various piece of writing together in an order I think makes sense and I have gone back and changed things around and edited them a little. And those things, somedays, I am proud of. And other days I feel like it’s the most embarrassing shit I have ever come up with. I haven’t put anything out in a while aside from the posts on this website I don’t tell anyone about and either this Christmas or the previous one I did a piece for my buddy Dustin’s annual zine. The precious works well for me doing that the couple times I did. I just have to get one thing written by one deadline and I usually manage to get something I kind of like written and then I edit it until the day its due. This other writing is much more at my own schedule so I often try to write and have nothing to write. So anyway, I posted on twitter I would put out a new zine on my birthday and it was a few months away and felt safe, but I have no idea when I am done with a zine. I don’t want it to be too short. I might have a full zine written, but it would be pretty short. And like I said, depending on the day, it’s really embarrassing writing to me - too sincere and honest. So I kind of want to dilute it with a bunch of crazy fiction, but I don’t know if I will. I think mixing the two together might be a worse product. I’m kind of proud of that weird story I wrote about a time machine on here somewhere, but I kind of got myself going and then I was like I’m sick of writing for the moment so I just wrapped it up and posted it and I probably should have saved it in a Word document and revisited it and written more - but I have a few stories I started in a Word document and I can’t get back in the exact headspace or I get overwhelmed thinking of writing a whole novel or even novella. I don’t know, I just felt like I should post something new on this website even though I don’t want it to be a blog and this is obviously not my typical personal writing pretending to be fiction, its just me blogging or journaling or whatever … thought the fictional character in this story that you have been reading.