Hot n Heavy Chat Line
“Yes, I will pay 3.99 per minute. Yes, this is my verbal consent. You have my credit card number. You can bill it. I agree.”
…
“…I would like to… speak to… hmm, you see, I’m very indecisive. I don’t know who exactly… I mean, it kind of seems like fate has already connected me to y-”
…
“Yes, I understand. It’s not your job. I get it. You’re the operator. I get it. I apologize. Yes, my mistake. Wow. That many people a day? They all try to talk to you. I mean, but not the way I did, right? They try to talk to you, right? Like all lewd.”
…
“Yeah, no. I see how this is could be perceived as me attempting to continue to to have a conversation with you. But you see what I am talking about, right? This was just small talk, nothing inappropriate. I wasn’t trying to get hot and heavy with y-”
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“Yes, ma’am. I get it. I understand you don’t care about the difference. It simply isn’t your job. I get it. I fully sincerely apologize. Now I’ve been talking to you for several minutes, boy I hope this isn’t being billed. haha.”
…
“Oh, it is? Well, that makes sense. You are running a business after all. That was just a joke. I fully consent to the full billing for every second I have been on the line with you. I apologize again. Can you just connected me with someone… trustworthy? Like, they aren’t going to talk about me after the call?”
…
“Yes, okay, I understand that is your privacy policy, but all the same… do you know the women? Are there ones who are kind of big mouths and ones that ‘get it’?”
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“Okay, yes, I get it. It’s not your job to pick who I talk to either. Jeez, I kind of thought being the first point of contact, you’d be a little bit friendlier. It seems kind of bad for busine-”
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“I apologize. I should have not said that to you. Yes, I have no idea how to run a chatline business. I don’t know what it takes to stay afloat and I certainly don’t know what you have to deal with as the operator connecting the calls or anything of the sort. It was not my position to criticize you… No, I am not going to berate the woman you connect me to for not responding the way I want her to… although, I am paying for her to be sort of agreeable, right? I mean, I want her to be honest with me, but she is going to be… not an ice queen, not antisocial?”
…
“Okay, okay, I understand other people are trying to get through. Just connect me to someone… um, connect me to a tall woman I guess? Is that how these things go? It’s the phone, I won’t know if it’s even true. A brunette? A Big Beautiful Woman? It’s all the same people probably…”
…
“Okay, please just transfer me to someone you claim is tall. I didn’t mean to offend you by thinking out loud about the absurdity of asking to talk to a person based on their physical features.”
*Bedeedledeedulldulldulldullbadoodoodoodoodoodoodloolooloolooloo*
“Hi, this is Sharice.”
“Hey, have you ever listened to that hold music. It’s pretty avante garde. I mean, it was so short so whatever, but uh, not really ‘easy listening’ if you follow what I’m saying.”
“What’s your name?”
“Oh right, wow, first I talk your operator’s ear off and now I’m starting off on the wrong foot with you too. Jeez, I have to get it together.”
“So. what’s your name?”
“Right, right, right. Am I supposed to give an alias for this sort of thing? Like Sharice sounds like a fake name to me. Uh, my name… what if I just said I’m like Paul Bunyan or something? Then you’d call me Paul Bunyan the whole call. Do people do that, but like they expect you to talk to them like they’re the fiction character - asking how their Blue Ox is and stuff?”
“You seem nervous. Is this your first time calling one of these?”
“Well, yes, who calls a phone sex line in 2020? There’s a bunch of porn illegally distributed all around the internet - more than you could jack off to in a life time.”
”Well, you. You called a phone sex line in 2020.”
“That, that’s true. But I’m not calling for phone sex. And it feels more and more like the government is spying on you these days. And the internet, there’s just like your browser history. And I know you can delete it, but I bet the company you pay for the internet keep a secret back up to give to the government, those bastards. And I am sure they listen to my phone calls too, but I think I saw in a movie they have to hang up after like 30 seconds if they realize the call isn’t about a crime. But that might have been from the 70s. Anyway, it seems slightly harder for them to analyze a verbally spoken phone call rather than feeding a bunch of text and data into a robot.”
“Are you going to like break the law on this call or something? Talk about murders you committed?”
“No, I’m just saying that I’m a very private person and I want to talk to someone because I’m lonely, but I don’t want some government agent knowing everything I said.”
“But you’re going to talk to a complete stranger? I know I should be selling our service, but you’re a private person talking to a complete stranger about things you don’t want a different stranger to know?”
“Yes. You think you have outwitted me, but that’s how it always is, isn’t it? You’re fine with this person knowing, not that person. You’re fine with one person knowing not two. I might be open to talking to one specific government agent instead of you, but I don’t know how to contact them so it wouldn’t be conversational like this. Plus, their job is to then tell others about that information whereas your operator made it very clear that you are going to keep all of this private. I mean, I saw Punch Drunk Love, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. That wasn’t based on a true story was it? I know that part about the yogurt with the frequent flyer miles was something that really happened, but not calling a sex chat line and then getting blackmailed, that part was totally fictional, right?”
“I don’t know what Punch Drunk Love is.”
“Oh my god! You were probably born after 9/11. I am going to shit myself! I don’t feel old yet, but that kind of shit... when I realize some new actress I find attractive was born like… even if she was born like 2 years after me, that fucks me up. The weird thing is that it’s barely even like a thing where I think about how much more successful they are than me even though they are young, but it’s like some kind of hang up from being in school where it would be weird for a senior to date a sophomore I think. Like it’s not that weird to find someone who is maybe 3 years young than you attractive. It’s not even weird to find someone 10 years younger than you attractive although it’s a little weird to date them, but some young millionaire new movie star isn’t someone I’m going to have the chance to date anything so-”
“Did you ever tell me your name? Are you going to go buy Paul Bunyan?”
“No because then I am going to just keep having an urge to talk about my Blue Ox as a part of a character and the truth is I called this line not for sex - I am sure you hear that all the time - but I called it for some sort of genuine human contact. We’re obviously on the phone and you’ve probably given me a fake name and you’re only talking to me because I am paying the company that hired you to talk to me, but even the people I see through the day in which I occupy the same physical spaces as them, those are not people where I have any real connection to them because everyone is putting on this fake persona like they have it all together and to make a genuine connection people would need to open up about their vulnerability, but then someone could use that to steal their job or their wife or whatever, they could use that against them so we’ve created a society in which everyone is intentionally cutting themselves off from each other even people who don’t live in a cutthroat part of society, they still do it just at the off chance like how people who aren’t rich vote against taxes in case they someday become rich, it’s completely ass backwa-”
“So what name are you going to go by for this call?”
“First I have to figure out who I want to talk to. Now I have to come up with a fake name. I’m not a stupid person I swear, but this is not my strong suite. Decision-making. It stresses me out. Even these small kinds of things that ultimately don’t matter. I really called to have a pleasant time and now I’m being asked on the spot to pick stuff and I’m not even being given some options to bring from, I have to choose a name out of the ether. Any name that has ever existed or an entirely new one. And then I’m trapped with that. If I want to call again then I have to keep using that name or start over completely when we could be getting somewhere, but then I have this stupid name I regret picking like if I had said yes I want to be called Paul Bunyan. I could be talking about how my dead dog is why I can never have a romantic relationship that lasts longer than a month and you keep calling me Paul Bunyan and I want to say dead Blue Ox instead of dead dog.”
“Well, I guess I can call you honey or baby or…”
“That would work for one of your standard calls, but once more this is not a call of a sexual nature so I don’t want to be called those sort of pet names. That’s something else I would like to talk about at some point. I realize many men have done all sorts of awful things and some of them who aren’t awful are still incredibly horny and our society has sort of shamed horniness so you end up with men lying about wanting sex when they do want sex, but I really wish people who trust me if I say I am trying to make an honest emotional connection and then if I start acting horny, then you can call me out for lying, but give me a chance.”
“What should I call you then?”
“Actually, I’ve got a lot off my chest tonight. I think I’m going to end the call.”