December 14th

“I thought you died”

Like I said before, I hate working, but spending all day at work with my mind wandering helps me have inspiration at the end of the day - although many times I am too tired. Anyway, so it was getting late on December 12th and I kept thinking I need to write something and then I thought how I’d been writing a few things and it got a little later and it really felt like why the hell am I going to stay up until dawn just to write something I probably won’t even like and then I woke up the next day and thought ‘did I write something last night?’ and I checked the website and I didn’t and then I thought ‘I definitely need to write something today then’ and then I didn’t and then today I kind of almost thought the same thing. I thought taking vacation days would free me up and I would write, but I just watch movies and shit. Anyway, I decided to try to crack something I have been trying to write in the last few of these - which is the other thing: I got to that point where I am just writing the same thing over and over and never getting it right and it’s not really interesting to me and each time it’s a little different, but not any closer so it’s not rewarding.

Your favorite filmmaker signed the Polanski letter. Your favorite rapper is a corporate sellout. Your piles of unread books grow higher. The walls are closing in.

I think I have to kill my darlings with that Polanski letter line and I don’t think I have a good use for the Harper’s letter thing at this time. Maybe that thing I wrote about P Monch was something I should be doing. I really really really really really need to try to write something tomorrow, but it is agony trying to fit in writing I don’t want to do late at night.